Letting go of the handle

So, I don't believe I've ever posted the story behind the title of this blog. Now, as I am on the verge of taking another life leap, I feel it's a fitting anecdote to regale you with. The saying "letting go of the handle" is inspired by a piece of artwork that was given to me as I headed off for college. It is a pen and ink drawing of an abstract girl, brightly colored, floating along in an inverted umbrella. It reminds me of Roald Dahl stories, not any one in particular; rather it reminds me of that childhood feeling of knowing that anything is possible. Below the image is a quote that reads:

If you hold on to the handle, she

said, its's easier to maintain the illusion

of control. But it's more fun if you

just let the wind carry you.

Somewhere between elementary school and the end of high school, I lost sight of the beauty and fun of spontaneity. I liked the illusion of control that came with planning and with following the rules. My mother, who so often knows me better than I know myself, choose this piece of art to inspire me to live a little, to enjoy college life, and to just let the wind carry me once in a while. Setting up my things in my dorm room, I hung the picture in a prominent spot next to my desk.

That first year at school I was too paralyzed by the newness of everything to take the wisdom of this quote to heart. I clung to what was familiar, what was safe - and I had a miserable time. With immense relief, the time finally came for me to pack my belongings to return home for the summer. As I was removing the picture from the wall, it slipped, and crashed on my desk, leaving a crooked, curved crack in the glass from top to bottom. I sighed, but figured I could get the glass replaced when I got home.

The summer came and went, and I forgot about the crack. Unpacking at the start of my second year, I found the picture in a box as I had left it. Imperfect, but now with visible evidence of an inner character it hadn't possessed before. I wasn't going to replace the glass, I decided. Life happens.

Today, the picture, crack and all, hangs next to my bed as I plan to-do lists for my next adventure. Yes, I still like to hang on to that handle, planning things, preparing, but in the end these are preparations for adventures that would make the girl in the umbrella proud. I have struck a balance between hanging on to the handle and letting the wind carry me. But whenever I find myself clinging too tightly, I am reminded to ease up, take a deep breath, and dive on in. And it's always been more fun that way.

Class of 2004

So my 5 year high school reunion is a week from today. Of course, that kind of landmark makes one pause a moment. The unoriginal question "where did the time go?" immediately springs to mind. But when I stop to ponder that question, of course it's easy to break down where the time did go. For most of us it's been four years of college and one year in the proverbial "real world". Ta da. Here we are. But still it's almost impossible to comprehend the speed of time in which all that has happened.

The other thing I realize is how much really has changed in that span of time. Or, more importantly, how much we, ourselves, have changed. For me, it's funny to think of who I was in high school, compared to who I am today. In high school I was shy, timid, studious, unadventurous, self-conscious, self-doubtful. And yet, incongruously, I was also confident in my abilities, competent and convinced that I was capable of great and interesting things. I've since grown out of that first, adolescence-inspired list of adjectives (and thank God for that). But, I believe the second list of qualities still holds true.  

I'm not actually attending my reunion, but if I were I'm sure I would be equally impressed with the changes my peers have undergone. In the past year I've actually caught up with some people who I went to high school with. I'd been out of touch with them for years. I was impressed by all of them, regardless of my naive, limited impressions of them from high school. I was also absurdly pleased with how well we get along now. It seems a testament to each of us not only that we've matured individually but that we can recognize and appreciate that maturity and independence in others. In some ways we have grown up together, yet we have each traveled very different journeys. Reconnecting at this stage brings with it both a comforting familiarity and an exciting newness. Cheers to you, class of 2004.

Jotting things down

So this writing revolution of mine (aka my recommitment to blogging and booking) is not proving to be a piece of cake. Not that I thought it would be, but I do find that I need to constantly prod myself into sitting down and typing something out. I find this curious because it is indeed something that I want to do. I enjoy it; I find it very satisfying when I get on a roll, and I always feel accomplished when I've made some progress. So what then is this natural force that makes me disinclined to actually do it? But here I am again. I'm trying. So I guess I will give myself credit for that. I feel that so long as I am constantly nagging at myself, there's hope.  

I carry a little notebook with me to jot ideas down in, but it's a far cry from being able to actually flesh out and develop a thought while I'm on the go. Much as I love my macbook, it's not as portable as I would wish. So, I'm putting on my christmas wish list a request for one of those teeny tiny word processing laptops so that I can carry it with me. My parents don't know that's on my wish list but they soon will... a mini laptop and a really good traveling backpack (more on that later). Being able to write on the t or stop in a coffee shop to do some work on my way home would greatly increase my free writing time. So enough excuses. I leave you now to put in some quality one-on-one time with my book.